… and I’m not going to take it any more! (with apologies to Peter Finch)
Standard, every day LOA wisdom says that it is crucial to reach for the better feeling place. But there are days like today, where the only emotional states available to me right now, this redhot moment, are rage and grief.
It’s my pity party and I’ll cry if I want to. And right now, I DO want to.
I miss my Dad. Even though my soul knows that his soul is still there, I miss his hugs and I miss his voice on the phone. I miss how I could always make him laugh, no matter what. I miss hearing him tell me he’s proud of me. I miss him so much that sometimes I can’t breathe for it.
And I’m pissed off at my employer for the directive that caused my elbow injury. I’m pissed off at myself for following the directive. I’m angry that the system forced me to keep working when the injury first occurred, even though it was clearly getting worse. I’m angry that I didn’t put my foot down about taking time off, or simply walk away from the job. I’m angry that my GP wanted to put me on antidepressants instead of offering access to counselling. I’m angry that I didn’t object, because I needed his signature on my insurance paperwork. I’m angry at the way my employer’s senior management actively fought against the things that would support me. I’m angry that my sense of self-worth was so low, I could attract that kind of behaviour.
And why am I feeling all these things? Because I have never vented them, not properly. I’ve been so busy making sure that my public persona is all sweetness and light, I haven’t let these emotions move through me as they should have.
My wise friend Jeannette Maw commented recently that the best way to handle a really bad mood is to celebrate it; honour it; make it the best bad mood you can manage. stamp your feet, swear, cry – because those are the things that help the bad mood pass.
So this is me, hanging it all out there for the world to see. Yes, I’m angry. No, it won’t last forever. But right now this is me, soggy with tears and glad we don’t have a cat because otherwise I might be tempted to kick the poor thing.
Yup, nothing wrong with having a good ol’ bitch every now and then!
Thanks Patty, I’m beginning to learn the value of it
Janette, I’m sure all your friends are, like me, angry for you too. Sometimes people are bastards. Sometimes Life shafts you. Sometimes there is no positive spin you can put on the crap that lands on you.
Of course, you’ll cope with it, whatever it is, and you’ll learn what you can, and you’ll go on from wherever you’ve been dumped, and you’ll find a way back into the sunshine. But sometimes it just hurts so much that all you can feel is the pain. Sometimes, all you can do is curl up and nurse the wounds.
And what’s wrong with that?
Oh Graham, you just proved yourself wrong – what better positive outcome could there be, than to be reminded that I have eloquent, heartstrong good friends like you?
And in my world, that outweighs the bastards and the crap a thousandfold.
Thanks mate, your words are balm to my bruises
Oh, and I probably wouldn’t really kick the cat. Just sayin’
Yep, let it out! FEEL that bad mood. Even if it hurts. No, especially if it hurts. And you know what, your friends are here to listen, to supply tissues and chocolate and alcohol (as required) and to go into bat for you too (also, as required) and love you through it all.
Thank you! So lovely to have these responses, and each one restores another layer of raw flesh to glowing health! Not in a zombie way, you understand ….
Janette
Perfect! Your rant opens the space for the ‘better’ feeling. In the process of opening up, letting out, and generally being truthful, you are moving downstream and sliding into the vortex.
Just think how holding your thoughts and feelings inside so as to be seen as ‘sweetness and light’ has stood in your way of clarity.
Welcome to a great way to declutter the thoughts and feelings that are no longer serving you.
Sending a big and gentle hug,
Susan
Thank you Susan, and especially thank you for the hug! Yes, a lifetime of English stiff upper lip certainly has its drawbacks; and my introduction to LOA was all about the dangers of experiencing negative emotions, so there was a double whammy LOL!
Between Jeannette’s wisdom and my own inner guidance, it’s fantastic to finally see the value in letting loose. And – to be honest – it was kinda fun (should I be admitting that? Oh well… )
For what it’s worth, feel sad and crappy for you. It’s OK to acknowledge feeling crappy, and that’s healthier than denying it and letting it run interference in your life. Important to know what you’re feeling, and then to move on, which judging from your post today you’re able to do- well done you!
Thanks, J-A! I appreciate the support (though I don’t expect you to feel sad or crappy on my behalf LOL!). I’m still experiencing some of the afterglow from being able to catch up and compare injury/rehab notes, and that helps lots.
Indeed, sometimes feeling rage and grief IS the better feeling thought. Kudos to you for allowing it! Especially when we aren’t culturally trained to do so.
No one said better feeling thoughts are always love and light and noble and such. ha
Sometimes my better feeling thought has swear words in it.
(And if I said I never once kicked the dog I would be a liar. Sorry, Dog.)
ROFLMAO!! Seriously, I do NOT believe any of your animals have experienced being kicked. But it is a huge comfort to be reminded that I’m not alone on the swearing front. Oh, f**k yeah!