A-a-a-and I’m all better now

Okay, so the elbow still hurts and I still can’t type and I’m still going to have to change jobs… but I’m FEELING fantastic again!

My mini meltdown yesterday was exactly what I needed. It wasn’t enough for me to rant and rave in private, I had to get out there in the world – my own global hissy fit; a pity party where *I* could be the star. But that’s enough. It’s flushed out, released and gone.

To begin with, that just left me feeling peaceful and a little wrung out. After a good night’s sleep, I’m back to my increasingly default feelings of optimism and hope. It’s a nice place to be!

Not only that, I received support from my wonderfully diverse community of friends. My inner Pollyanna is incredibly glad for this added bonus.

And if all that weren’t enough, I also discovered that MacSpeech Dictate works fairly well even through the muffling effects of thickened throat, blocked nose and continual sniffles.

Score!  :-)

I’m as mad as hell…

… and I’m not going to take it any more! (with apologies to Peter Finch)

Standard, every day LOA wisdom says that it is crucial to reach for the better feeling place. But there are days like today, where the only emotional states available to me right now, this redhot moment, are rage and grief.

It’s my pity party and I’ll cry if I want to. And right now, I DO want to.

I miss my Dad. Even though my soul knows that his soul is still there, I miss his hugs and I miss his voice on the phone. I miss how I could always make him laugh, no matter what. I miss hearing him tell me he’s proud of me. I miss him so much that sometimes I can’t breathe for it.

And I’m pissed off at my employer for the directive that caused my elbow injury. I’m pissed off at myself for following the directive. I’m angry that the system forced me to keep working when the injury first occurred, even though it was clearly  getting worse. I’m angry that I didn’t put my foot down about taking time off, or simply walk away from the job. I’m angry that my GP wanted to put me on antidepressants instead of offering access to counselling.  I’m angry that I didn’t object, because I needed his signature on my insurance paperwork. I’m angry at the way my employer’s senior management actively fought against the things that would support me. I’m angry that my sense of self-worth was so low, I could attract that kind of behaviour.

And why am I feeling all these things? Because I have never vented them, not properly. I’ve been so busy making sure that my public persona is all sweetness and light, I haven’t let these emotions move through me as they should have.

My wise friend Jeannette Maw commented recently that the best way to handle a really bad mood is to celebrate it; honour it; make it the best bad mood you can manage. stamp your feet, swear, cry – because those are the things that help the bad mood pass.

So this is me, hanging it all out there for the world to see. Yes, I’m angry. No, it won’t last forever. But right now this is me, soggy with tears and glad we don’t have a cat because otherwise I might be tempted to kick the poor thing.

A joyful beginning

I know most people think of death as an ending, but I prefer Peter Pan’s outlook – “to die will be an awfully big adventure”. Many major faiths, including my father’s beloved Christianity, teach that death is merely a threshold, a transition into something wonderful.

My Dad, about a month before his death

So I know that when my father died on 4 June 2010, he returned home, to a form of pure positive non-physical energy which my human brain struggles to define, but nonetheless accepts as real.

I was immensely privileged to accompany him on that journey, and I will hold the memory of that week as one of the most precious gifts of my life. He set the tone for the rest of us, and while he was not consciously present for the last days, his work had already been done and his room was a haven of peace, love and serenity.

Being a retired doctor, he knew exactly what was happening to his body. He didn’t want to die at home, where Mum would have the physical struggles of nursing him. He didn’t want to go into palliative care where he’d have to get used to a whole new set of nursing staff, good though they would be. He was happy to stay in his hospital room and he loved his nursing and medical team. And of course, hospitals held no fear for him. That’s where he and Mum met when she was a nurse and he was still a medical student. It was a comfortable, familiar territory. It helped that the medical and nursing staff at the brilliant Holy Spirit Northside made sure his condition was stable and pain-free, for which I know he was immensely grateful (as were we).

I flew to Brisbane just a week before he died, arriving after lunch to spend the afternoon with him. I remember saying to him that I knew both of us would find joy on the other side of this process he was experiencing; and that I didn’t intend to wait, but rather would be doing my best to feel joy as much as possible right now. He gave me one of his enormous, beautiful smiles and said “exactly”.

The weekend was one of hilarity and riotous party-making, and I thought we might be the first people to ever get barred from a hospital! He held court, surrounded by Mum, his three grown children, their spouses and all six grandchildren (aged 13 to 7). Yes, there were tears from time to time, but mostly it was laughter and reminiscence and the occasional confession. My brother finally fessed up to something done over 30 years ago, which had us all in stitches once we’d recovered our jaws from the floor.

And during this time, he tirelessly ministered to everyone around him. Anyone who needed it got one of his rib-cracking hugs, whenever they wanted. When his granddaughter collapsed on his bed in tears, he held her quietly until she felt better. There was no drama, no angst, no fear. Whatever he had felt of those things, he’d dealt with in his own way, long before this moment. He blessed us all with his courage and kindness. I told him that when I go, I hope I do it with half his style. And I, too, wept all over him a few times, and was held and comforted.

Dad's hand holding mine

Over the following days, he slept more and more. Mum and my two brothers and I kept vigil, taking it in turns to hold his hands. He’d wake and see us nearby, then smile and drift off to sleep again. He saw visions towards the end, angels in the form of his own mother, his late partner from his medical practice in England, even the Rector from his church. He initially called them morphine hallucinations, but when we shrugged and said “maybe”, he began allowing them to be as real as they wanted to be. He had at least one of us with him always, and he finally slipped away quietly in the early hours one morning.

I want to say thanks, Dad. Because of you, I no longer fear death. I have loads to do before I go, so I’m not planning on making that choice for a while. Throughout your life, you led by example, demonstrating how to be a decent, kind and positive person. It’s typical that you kept teaching right up to the end, showing us a good way to die. Namaste.

Experiencing loss with LOA?

Over the past three days I’ve gradually begun to recognise that my faith in LOA, Source energy (call it God if you prefer) and all things spiritual is about to be tested.

My beautiful, gentle father is beginning the process of dying. He has an illness which is in its final stages, and he has made peace with it. Now the time has come for the rest of us to do the same – my mum, my two brothers and their families, and of course me.

I have no trouble believing he is going “home” – returning to pure positive energy, taking his focus away from this physical world and back into something different. And I’m not TOO anxious about my mum, who is strong and determined, and whom I know will get through this. Although, as my brother says, it’s weird to think of her on her own – they’ve been the classic, beautiful “joined at the hip” retirees for the past fifteen years or so.

I know he has always wanted to depart before any chance of dementia setting in – he watched his beloved mother dement for many years, and he experience anguish from how much she hated every lost memory or confused moment. He’s even been comforting his fellow parishioners by telling them how glad he is to be going before his mind deserts him.

But oh! I’m going to miss him so much.

The tears well up at unexpected moments, and sometimes when that happens I can’t imagine being happy again. I’m afraid of the pain I think I’m going to feel at the moment of farewell. And I dread having to tell work colleagues because I can’t imagine how I will face the pity in their eyes.

But there are many moments of joy, even laughter, as we begin phoning each other and experiencing the relief of discussing the elephant in the room – life after dad. We are blessed that we’ll get the chance to say goodbye with love and serenity and joy. We’re blessed to have had so many decades in each other’s company. And we’re blessed that we all respect each other’s diverse faiths and belief systems.

We all have to go one day. We have to ‘croak’ as Abraham calls it. Doing it supported by a faith – of any kind – is a good way to go. Knowing that give me my first step on the road to joy.

Fame at last!

Okay, I haven’t posted in a really REALLY long time, but I found out today I’ve been mentioned by the gloriously wonderful Jeannette Maw in her Good Vibe Blog.  And it’s just the inspiration I need to start keeping this blog up to date more often. I won’t say regularly, for reasons which will become apparent later.

You might think I’ve ignored this blog because I had so little to report. But in fact, the opposite is true. Shifts have been flowing through me and through my life at a pace I’ve found exhilarating and only slightly brain-scrambling – but certainly too fast for me to keep up with here. And so I threw up my figurative hands and went for a nap instead.

I’ve been exploring EFT (otherwise known as tapping) via the Tapping World Summit; using the work of Tom Stone to release some really ancient issues; discovering energy profiling with Carol Tuttle; and of course hanging out with my fabulous tribes at Good Vibe University and Iyabo Asani’s Inner Genius Community.

I’ve been back to hospital for more surgery, and was again supported like a princess by the GVU crew. My injured elbow is recovering at a rate of knots after months of stagnation. And my writing is blossoming into new areas, with the latest being a foray into the exotic world of poetry and contemporary classical music (so NOT my usual scene – but I loved it!)

The thing is, to the outside observer I could just be having a lucky couple of months. But I know better. At the beginning of 2010, I set the intention that this year I would get clarity. Clarity about who I really am (as opposed to who I learned to be in my tribe-of-origin); clarity about what I really want; clarity about what makes me feel good (since that is the key to LOA).

All of the above are clear indications that my intention, along with a healthy dose of choosing the better-feeling-emotion, is propelling me effortlessly downstream into that vortex of well-being which Abraham-Hicks talks about. And boy, is it a fun ride!!!

Thanks Jeannette for reminding me that it’s a good thing to share LOA with the wider world. I’ll be back more often to post. Oh, and why not regularly?

It turns out that my chequered careers and low boredom threshold are not a personality flaw, as I’d thought for so long. Based on Carol Tuttle’s energy profiling system, it’s my nature – my true self, which I’ve been trying to “fix” for years!  I’m a Type 1 (nitrogen/air) and it’s part of how I operate to be constantly wanting to learn new things and explore new horizons. Doing something – including blogging – to a set timetable is guaranteed to have me running a mile!

How blissful it is, to have a way of letting myself off the hook at last. I’m not flighty and unreliable – I’m innovative and brilliant and flexible and resilient!

Outsourcing LOA?

A few weeks ago, an amazing conversation began over at Jeannette Maw’s Good Vibe Blog. She posed the question “can we outsource our manifesting?”. At first I thought, no that’s a) crazy and b) lazy – isn’t our life OUR OWN responsibility?

:headdesk:

a) no, it’s not crazy at all – people have been using the power of meditating and praying in groups for millennia, so having more than one person focussing energy makes complete sense

b) it’s not lazy to ask for help when needed – I already do it when I need a little extra oomph to my deliberate creating, by asking my guides and angels. How is asking friends to see my success any different?

So I did. I contacted fellow students at Good Vibe University who have formed “The Outsourcers” and asked for help with an impending surgery and hospital stay. They wrote back in droves, offering their visualisations of my fabulous hospital experience… and it worked!!

Preparation for the stay included telling everyone I could think of how I was looking forward to my “weekend retreat” – after all, it was a relatively minor procedure so I’d be in one or two nights at the most. And the stay would mean no chores, no errands, nobody expecting anything from me, and being waited on hand and foot!  Put like that, what’s not to like?  I also shopped for new nightie, gown and slippers, plus a selection of gorgeously girly toiletries. And I loaded up my old mp3 player with my favourite tracks and made sure I had a good book (in this case, Kim Falconer’s Spell of Rosette which I was rereading prior to the release of her new book!). My good friend and coach, Iyabo Asani, created a special 8-minute meditation about my surgery, to which I listened several times a day. And Kim generously began using EFT techniques to support my successful healing.

I felt fantastic on the day I checked myself in for surgery – optimistic, contented, peaceful – and I was anticipating the best ever hospital stay!

Would you be surprised to learn it turned out even better than I had anticipated? I felt so good, I was even laughing at a joke as I went under anaesthetic! My ward nurse was spectacular – highly skilled, empathetic and efficient – and I have nothing but praise for the surgeons, theatre technicians, nursing staff and admin staff. Contrary to popular belief, I discovered our public hospital system is magnificent and well run; and I was home again 28 hours after being wheeled into theatre.

That experience left me in no doubt whatsoever that not only does this LOA stuff WORK – it is also something that you can get others to help you with. So thanks, Outsourcerers and especially Jeannette! And thanks of course to all at Ballarat Base Hospital, who were the means by which our joint intention was manifested into the physical world.

Woohoo!

Screw it!

I posted the following comment in response to a discussion over at Jeannette Maw’s Good Vibe Blog. She’d suggested that perhaps one solution to the needy attached energy that we sometimes find blocking our way, is to just say “screw it” and let it go. I’m putting my comment almost in its entirety below, with links to any info which may shed light for the uninitiated.

Yesterday various circumstances came to a head all at once, and initially I coped pretty well with them.

I remembered that the ONLY cause for feeling bad is the (temporary) disconnect between my physical here-and-now self, and my larger, non-physical self who sits in the Vortex 24/7 drawing me in.

I remembered that nobody else gets the credit for how I feel, whether it’s the insensitive boss (easy) or the compassionate colleague (less easy – tears got close!).

I even remembered that my slightly scary health situation cannot ‘go bad’, as even a ‘worst case scenario’ simply means returning to pure positive energy, which we’re all gonna do one day anyway!

I went to bed having watched a hilarious French movie and eaten a particularly yummy meal, feeling pretty darn good.

… and woke at 12.45 am to find myself in floods of tears, beset by despair and anger and revenge and a whole bunch of other negative emotions. I hadn’t allowed myself to feel them properly, for fear of letting them into my reality. I metaphorically wriggled around, feeling like an LOA failure (yeah, I know, I know…LOL!!) and thinking I MUST get back into the Vortex RIGHT NOW. I was so attached to that desperate NEED to feel my way into the Vortex, I was completely incapable.

Then a voice in my head said “screw it”, which made me grin even in the midst of the tears. I took its advice. I let myself drift through the fear about my health, the anger about my job, the hopelessness about finding my true passion, etc, etc, etc. And each time I said “screw it” another emotion swept through me and was gone.

It was the single most releasing event I’ve ever experienced. My attachment to finding The Answer (to Life, the Universe and Everything, haha) is gone. I’m feeling open and frisky and relaxed and at peace. And best of all, I’ve said “screw it” to an old version of myself. I was awake for about 3 hours in all, so I’m also a bit sleepy (heheheh) but I feel like a different woman.

UPDATE: I’ve now decided to have “screw it” tattooed upon my person. The wonderful Kim Falconer, herself a brilliant example of the tattooist’s art, has undertaken to source the zen/Japanese equivalent for me. Once it’s done, pics will be posted. Woohoo!

Starting as I mean to go on

After months of indecision, I’m finally setting up a blog just to talk about Law of Attraction. There are thousands of people talking about LOA on the Internet (I intend to link to my personal favourites) so one could ask why on earth the cyber-universe needs yet more LOA chat?

Of course, it doesn’t.

But I do. I need somewhere I can share my revelations, epiphanies, thoughts, complaints and questions. And – as a side benefit – I need somewhere to practice blogging using only MacSpeech Dictate, my voice recognition software of choice, since my keyboarding is temporarily limited by a dodgy elbow.

If you find my journey of any interest, you’re invited to come along as friends, compadres, teachers, observers and commentators. On the About page you’ll find some background information if you think it’s relevant; otherwise just dive in as your fancy takes you.

Welcome!